


Ataxia

by Stingray



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It was never supposed to be this long., M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 07:32:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15165728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stingray/pseuds/Stingray
Summary: Sometimes the nightmares stay in your head, sometimes they're all over the place, right in front of you, or under your bed.





	Ataxia

Kelly awoke with a start, scratching at his chest as his dream twisted into his reality.

"Kel?" Matt murmured, reaching over to turn the lamp on, dimming it down so it only cast a soft glow against Kelly's flushed face. "Bad dream again?"

Kelly just nodded, his worried frown breaking Matt's heart into a million pieces.  
"Come here." Matt guided Kelly into his strong arms, kissing his forehead.

"It's okay, I got you." Matt soothed, rubbing Kelly's back.

Kelly buried his head against Matt, letting the man hold him tightly. "Was so real." He mumbled exhaustedly.

"I know, but you're safe here." Matt encouraged the other man. "You think you want to go back to sleep?"

"I'm just gonna get up." Kelly murmured, pulling away from Matt and heading toward the bathroom. Matt looked on pensively, this was always what Kelly did when he was beyond shook up from one of his recurring dreams.

Matt got up and followed Kelly to the bathroom, getting in the large shower behind him.

Matt turned Kelly around in the shower, intently studying the new set of scratches that Kelly had given himself.

"You didn't have to get up with me again," Kelly sighed, rubbing at his eyes wearily.

"Wanted to." Matt shrugged, carefully watching as the water rinsed away the small trickles of blood that fell from the wounds.

"Nobody _wants_ to be awake at this ungodly hour, Matt." Kelly shook his head, ignoring the stinging pain that came from his chest.

"Kelly, this is what, the tenth nightmare you've had in two weeks?" Matt began, that _'I'm about to tell you something you don't want to hear'_ tone clearly evident. "Maybe it's time to see someone."

Kelly shook his head adamantly. "I don't need to see anybody." He grunted in frustration, "I'm fine."

"You're not fine," Matt whispered, cupping the back of Kelly's neck and leaning their foreheads together. "Soon you'll be scratching right to your heart," Matt motioned to the new streaks of raw skin that he'd added during tonight's nightmare. There were older scars, barely visible, topped by newer scratches that had scabbed over and had begun to heal, but with every night that passed he broke them open again.

"Physically impossible." Kelly raised a challenging brow, like he wanted Matt to try to convince him otherwise.

"I know." Matt smiled sadly, "It's hurting deeper than your skin, isn't it." He added after some long seconds of silence had passed.

"Hm?" Kelly was confused.

"I'm not blind. I watch you when you have your nightmares. I can see that it doesn't just physically hurt. I can see how much effort it takes for you to pretend everything is fine, that _you're_ fine. When you scratch at yourself, I know that you're just trying to escape your mind, trying to find your way out."

"Matt, listen, you have no idea what I'm dealing with. So don't pretend like you do."

"If it's easier we can pretend I don't sleep in the same bed as you, or wake up with you every time you have a nightmare. We can act like I don't love you, like I don't care. We can pretend nothing's wrong." Matt shrugged, closing his eyes as the stream of water flooded over him.

"I never asked you to sleep with me. Okay? I never once asked you to get up with me, or even fucking care, so don't go acting like some kind of fucking Mother Theresa." Kelly spat in frustration. "Just stop trying to fix me, okay? I've had enough of this shit, I'm fucking _tired_ of it. Just go away." His voice was becoming louder and by the time he finished talking, he was yelling.

Matt stepped back from the spray, letting Kelly have his space. "I'm sorry." He breathed out shakily, " I thought—"

_I thought I was allowed to care._

_I thought I was wanted._

_I thought I meant something to you._

_I thought my dad was wrong._

"I thought we were on the same page. My bad, man. I'm so sorry." Matt mumbled, glad he was still dripping wet from the shower so he could hide any tears that might have fallen from his broken blue eyes. "I'll just uh– I'll get out of here." He tried to smile, as lopsided and sad as it was. He quickly stepped out and towelled himself off, getting out of the bathroom just as Kelly sent a, "Matt, wait—" his way.

He got himself fully dressed as quickly as he'd gotten undressed just minutes before. He wasted no time leaving Kelly's apartment to walk back to his own place. It was 3:14am when he left, no good time to be trekking across town to where his own apartment was. It had been collecting dust lately, of course it had, he'd been spending so much time at Kelly's. He should have known he wasn't wanted there, should have known that no one in their right mind would want to be with him.

 _Fuck._ Matt just _had_ to go and screw up another relationship in his life. His father had always told him that he'd be alone, that he'd never be loved – and it looked like he was right.

His eyes were blurry with tears as he walked, hood up, hands deep in his pockets. He had to hope, _pray even_ , that he wouldn't be jumped as he made his way through the rougher streets of Chicago. Maybe he didn't even care though, it didn't matter to him anyways. Nothing could be worse than the pain in his heart, the stinging, raw pain that was slowly shredding him apart.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he couldn't look, couldn't stop. Because maybe he'd turn around and go back, let himself get hurt all over again. Earlier it had been Gabby. She'd treated him badly, but at least he wasn't alone. Because being alone absolutely fucking terrified him. Kelly came along and swept him off his feet, they'd hit it off and he was sweet and caring, unlike any of his past love interests.

But he'd ruined that too.

A failure.

Matt was a full blown, absolute, no question about it, fucking _failure_.

By some damned miracle, Matt eventually made it to his apartment. It was some time after 4 in the morning, that's all he knew as he collapsed in his bed. He yearned for the strong tug of sleep that seemed to dance around him, cruelly tease him. But it didn't come, sleep alluded him just like any possibility of love in his life.

He pulled his phone off the nightstand and looked at it for the first time since he'd left. Surprised to see numerous texts from Kelly:

_Matt come back._

_I didn't mean it._

_At least tell me if you made it home safely._

_Matthew?_

_Are you okay?_

Matt took the liberty to throw his phone across the room, where it bounced off the wall and landed on the hardwood floor with a loud clatter. Anybody who'd ever called him Matthew never failed to hurt him, it was like a curse hanging over him.

Matt fell into a fitful sleep, but frustratingly got up after some time to get in the shower. He smelled like Kelly's body wash and he couldn't handle that right now. He couldn't believe he'd let it come to this, that he'd let himself be vulnerable again. He should have known what would happen. 

//

"What did you do to him?" Shay asked Kelly as she cornered him in his office.

"What are you talking about?" Kelly didn't bother looking up from his paperwork. He didn't want Shay to see how tired he was, because then he'd have to explain why he'd been awake and pacing his apartment since 3:30am.

"Matt." Shay frowned at Kelly, "What did you do to him?"

"What makes you think I did anything to him?" Kelly shook his head, ready to deny anything Shay said.

"Because only you could break him so bad."

Kelly looked up, "What?"

"Kelly." Shay huffed in frustration, "He's sitting in his office pretty much crying. What. Did. You. Do."

"He's—" Kelly began, trailing off with eyes full of worry.

"Yeah. He's hiding it well, I'll give him that, but he's definitely not okay."

"I might have yelled at him last night." Kelly reluctantly looked up to meet Shay's hard glare.

"You guys fought?" Shay shrugged, obviously confused. "And?"

"I got worked up, I hadn't slept much, and I yelled at him," Kelly sighed painfully, "And he didn't yell back, it wasn't a fight, I got mad and I said things I shouldn't have said."

Shay let out a long sigh, bowing her head as she lightly closed her eyes. "So you pulled a Daddy Casey on him."

"A what?" Kelly frowned.

"You know. Treated him like his dad would have."

"Fuck, Shay." Kelly dropped his pen onto his desk and roughly rubbed at his face. "I did, didn't I?"

Shay just nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, Kelly, you did. You have to fix this."

"How? How can I fix it? I hurt him, _a lot_. He left and I didn't even know if he got home okay, I couldn't sleep not knowing if he was okay—"

"You care about him, and that's the biggest difference between you and his dad." Shay murmured.

"I do. I care so much, Shay." Kelly nodded vigorously, "But he deserves better, he shouldn't have to settle for someone like me. He needs someone who won't hurt him."

"This world is full of pain. Every relationship has it's fair share of hurting. You just gotta try your best to never make him feel like he felt last night, and you'll be golden." Shay explained as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

The alarms rung above, calling Shay away. "Make it up to him, Kelly." She added before she took off to the truck bay.

Kelly sighed long and hard, trying to figure out how he was ever going to fix this. 

//

Kelly arrived at Matt's apartment the next morning, just after shift had ended. He'd tried to talk to him at work, but they were never alone and Matt kept shutting him out. So cornering him at his apartment seemed like the next best thing to do.

Matt opened the door a crack, very reluctantly. "Can I help you?" He asked weakly.

"I want to talk."

"You don't have to do this." Matt sighed quietly, already appearing to be on the verge of a breakdown already. He started closing the door.

Kelly stuck his foot in the door, "Please, Matt?"

"Look," Matt took a deep breath, "You can say that it won't happen again, that you didn't mean what you said, that you didn't mean to hurt me. But you can save it. I've heard it all before, and I don't need to hear it again."

"Then listen to what else I need to say."

"Fine." Matt sighed, exhaustion and frustration edging the air that left his lungs.

As Matt let him in, Kelly ignored the beer in his hand and instead focussed on the hurt look in his eyes.

"Matt, I can never apologize enough." Kelly began, "I never meant to talk to you the way I did, I was tired and hadn't been sleeping well, and I know that isn't an excuse, but I need you to know that that's not me. I care about you so so much and I can't believe I hurt you so badly. I'm not denying what I did, I know I can't take it back, and I understand if you don't want to see me again. But I'm really hoping you'll let me try to make it up to you."

Matt sighed, "But it'll just happen again, and again, and again." Matt spoke sadly, like he was recalling his past. "That's how it always goes in these cases, Severide."

"Give me one chance." Kelly pleaded, "If I screw up again I'll transfer to another house, you never have to talk to me again, and I'll leave you to lead the life you deserve."

Matt raised an eyebrow, "You love 51..."

"But I love you more, Matthew." Kelly spoke gently, letting his eyes meet Matt's. "You're with everything to me and I can't lose you."

"One chance." Matt smiled sadly, he'd said that to his dad so many times.

"I promise I'll make this up to you." Kelly uttered, happy tears in his eyes, "I promise." He repeated as he pulled the man into a bone crushing hug.

//

Kelly continued to fight all the odds, and never once raised his voice to Matt again. He wasn't having nightmares anymore, because Matt had been making him feel more at peace than ever.

Months passed, and with each new flip of the calendar, Matt was beginning to be filled with more and more hope. He slowly let his walls back down, and Kelly worked very hard everyday to make sure he always treated Matt like he deserved.

//

Even a year later, Kelly hadn't once failed to make him breakfast in bed on their days off. He hadn't once forgotten to tell Matt how loved he was, how important and special he was. He didn't fail to let the man know that he was safe and cared about.

As Matt lay in bed, letting himself be relaxed by the feel of kisses travelling up his spine and neck, he knew he'd always be cared for.

//

Another year passed and this time Matt had a ring on his finger and no doubts that his father was wrong. He'd never be alone, not ever.

//

As they lay together on their wedding night nine months later (it was only a quick trip to the town hall but it was perfect), Matt turned around in Kelly's arms, facing him with all the adoration in his eyes. "Thanks for making me give you another chance, Kel."

"I should be thanking you, Matthew." Kelly smiled, leaning in to capture Matt's lips in a soothing kiss. 

They'd cried some, laughed lots, been through hard times and easy ones. But Kelly always pulled through, he always made the right choices and never hurt Matt.

//

When Matt got pneumonia, Kelly made him soup, did his pharmacy runs, and took care of him around the clock. He nursed Matt back to health, faster than even the doctor said it would take. He'd done more than his parents would have ever done for him.

//

When he and Kelly lay in the park, just finishing their picnic as they celebrated their one year anniversary, they talked a lot. They talked about next steps, which house, of the ones they'd viewed, they might like to buy. The subject of purchasing a new car came up since Matt's truck was on its last legs and they needed something a little more eco-friendly than that old gas guzzler.

They chatted about the past, pondered those old days when they were still figuring things out. Even before that, how they'd ever managed to survive without one another. Kelly needed Matt just as much as Matt needed Kelly, and they were both quite aware of the fact.

Matt didn't often open up about his past, but he did after Kelly caught him standing motionlessly under the shower spray, mind too far gone to realize he'd already been there for over an hour and the water was freezing cold. Kelly carefully led Matt out of the shower, and he'd had to explain to the man why he'd been so deep in thought.

He explained the situation. His mom called him from the prison today, asking if she could come stay with him since she would soon be on early release for good behaviour.  
Kelly had dried him off while he talked, tucked him into the bed and listened intently as Matt shared details of his childhood he'd never spoken about before. Matt explained his very real worries regarding his mother and what it might bring back if they lived together again.

"You don't have to say yes, Matthew." Kelly's voice was soft and soothing as he drew patterns on Matt's bare chest.

"But don't I?" Matt, a little frazzled, and immensely unsure of the decision. "She's my _mom_."

"And your dad is your dad, but that doesn't mean he gets father of the year award." Kelly frowned, "They both hurt you, they both treated you terribly."

"I know." Matt sighed, "I wish there was some kind of handbook for dealing with this kind of shit."

"I can write you one." Kelly smiled lovingly, eyes twinkling as he watched Matt's mouth quirk up into an adorable lopsided grin.

"Thanks, but I'll pass." Matt leaned over to kiss Kelly's forehead. "I have until Monday to figure out what I'm gonna do about her."

"Okay." Kelly nodded. "Well, if you want her here, that's not a problem for me, but if you don't want her here, which I do think would be better for you, then that's fine too. You have my full support either way."

"Thanks, Kel."

"Anything for you." 

// 

When the prison phoned back, asking him if Nancy could stay at his place. Matt difficultly gave a solid no. Because he didn't want that, he didn't want to be stuck in another form of his past. Kelly sat with him on his bunk while he took the call, since they phoned during shift.

 When the line went dead, when it was done, Matt could finally let out a sigh of relief.

"Why do I feel so guilty?" He asked softly, rubbing his eyes wearily.

"Because you're human." Kelly shrugged. "Because you're a good person."

"I wish I felt like a good person." Matt sighed painfully, like it hurt him to say the words.

"You may not feel like it, but you are." Kelly assured him, "Fancy dinner date tomorrow?"

Matt shook his head and snorted, "I don't deserve that."

"You do," Kelly smirked, "But if it feels better, we can have a fast food date instead."

Matt laughed softly, "Sounds like a fitting punishment for putting my mom on the streets."

"You're not putting your mom on the streets," Kelly tried to muffle his own laugh, "She'll find a halfway house and she'll be fine."

"Yeah." Matt smirked as he shook his head incredulously. "Thanks, Kel. Only you could make me feel better about sending my mom to a halfway house." His voice, dripping with sarcasm, couldn't help but cause Kelly to start grinning like the damn idiot he was.

"I try my best. Don't overthink your decision." He leaned forward and gave Matt a quick peck on the lips before leaving to go get a cup of coffee.

Matt smiled as he watched Kelly go. Grinned when Kelly turned around just before he was out of view and gave Matt an encouraging wink.

//

Matt's mom went to a halfway house, but managed to track Matt down and found out where he lived. The day she arrived on his and Kelly's doorstep, wasn't a pleasant one.

When Kelly opened the door, he was surprised to see Nancy standing there. He stood there speechless for a moment, lips parted and eyes wide. "Uh, hi."

"Yes, hi." She spoke flatly. "I'm looking for Matthew." 

"He's uh– hold on." Kelly let her into the entryway, telling her to wait, before booking it upstairs. Matt was in his studio working on a complex reproduction of the golden gate bridge, when a confused looking, worried Kelly showed up in the doorway.

"What's wrong? Who was at the door?" Matt asked curiously, observing Kelly's odd behaviour. 

"Your mom's here."

"She's here?" Matt was surprised as he set down the pieces in his hand. "Like right now?"

"Yeah." Kelly nodded, "You want me to send her away? Tell her you're not here?"

"It's probably better if I just deal with this now." Matt sighed, putting the cap on the bottle of glue, and carefully standing up.

Kelly nodded, "You want me to be there?" He asked gently.

Matt hummed nervously, "Yeah, but I don't want her to know about us right now though, is that okay with you?"

"Of course." Kelly was trying to gauge Matt's feelings as he walked past him and downstairs.

Kelly followed casually, waiting in the open concept kitchen as Matt led Nancy into the house, seating her by the dining table.

"What can I do for you?" Matt's voice was a little shaky as he asked. He was obviously intimidated by having his mother there, but seemed glad that Kelly was visible to him. 

Kelly was leaning against the counter, absentmindedly flipping through a magazine, not paying attention to a single word or picture. His main focus was Matt, and when he was focussed on Matt nothing could distract him.

"I came to live with you."

"But, I said you couldn't." Matt sighed, glancing up a Kelly for a split second.

Nancy shrugged, "But I told my parole officer I was coming here."

"Well, give me his number, I'll be happy to clear things up."

Nancy shook her head defensively. "Matthew I let you live with me for years." She spoke loudly, "This is the least you could do."

"I lived with you when I was a kid, then you shot dad and suddenly guess who ended up in foster care." Matt ran a nervous hand through his hair. Just saying the words out loud was enough to rattle himself.

"I did it for you!" Nancy pleaded, as if her words contained some magical cure for everything.

"Get out." Matt replied darkly.

"But—"

"Now."

Kelly stood up straight, ready to be whatever Matt needed him to be. If he had to physically chuck a grown woman out of their house, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

"I'm staying here." Nancy folded her arms, pouting like a five-year-old. "This is where I told my PO I'd be, so unless you want me to violate the law..."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Matt rubbed at his eye wearily. 

"Don't you talk to your mother like that." Nancy ordered, a big frown on her face.

Matt stood up, unable to stop himself as he made his way over to Kelly. A concerned look plastered on his face, Kelly set the magazine down and waited for Matt to show him what he needed. "I can't do this." He muttered under his breath, shaking his head. "I can't."

"Want me to throw her out?" Kelly asked, no playful undertones to his suggestion.

"Yes. No. I don't know..." Matt huffed, "I'll figure it out."

"Matthew. If you can just throw me out, then you're not the boy I raised you to be." Nancy was suddenly in the kitchen too, seemingly ignoring Kelly's presence.

"That's the thing, you didn't raise him. He had to do it himself." Kelly spoke in frustration.

"And you are?" Nancy scoffed, giving him a look that showed she already had no respect for him.

"I'm Kelly. Kelly Severide. And I won't let you treat Matt like this."

"Like what!?" Nancy was outraged. "I've been there for him his whole life and you know nothing about our family. Stay out of it."

"Actually he knows everything about our family." Matt butted in, trying to explain in some sense, that maybe Nancy was the one who didn't know anything.

"Why?" Nancy screeched. "Matthew, you can't just go sharing all our family affairs with perverted strangers like him."

Matt almost laughed. "The fact that you think he's a perverted stranger is reason enough for you to get the hell out of my house."

"I'd listen to him, ma'am." Kelly added with a polite smile, barely holding his laughter in. Because seeing one of Matt's childhood tormenters flounder in hot water like this was quite a treat.

"You think I'm leaving?" She asked them both, quite confused because for once, she wasn't getting her way.

"Yeah." Matt murmured, "You're leaving, or I _will_ phone the police."

"Ugh," She grunted, "Fine. But I _will_ be back."

"No, you won't." Kelly shook his head, determined to get his point across.

"What right do you have?" Nancy seethed.

"This is my house." Kelly smirked.

"No." She shook her head and pointed to Matt, "It's Matthew's house." 

"It's our house, actually." Matt shrugged, "Did I mention I'm married?" He held up his ring finger, showing off his sleek titanium band.

"To who?" Nancy obviously hadn't put two and two together, and Matt was forced to make his point. He slunk an arm around Kelly's waist, watching as his mother's expression shifted from surprise, to horror, to disgust. "You're joking."

"Not in the slightest." Matt grinned up at Kelly.

"I don't know what you did to my son, I don't know how you brainwashed him, but enough is enough." She haphazardly grabbed Matt's wrist and started dragging him away.

"Like hell." Kelly shook his head incredulously, grabbing Nancy's arm and squeezing hard until she let go of Matt.

"I'm not brainwashed." Matt shook his head in disbelief.

"There's no way my son, _MY SON_ , is gay. No way." Nancy uttered, her voice full of pure hatred.

"Then I guess you don't have a son, because I'm as gay as they come." Matt was as serious as ever as he had a stare down with his mother. "You better not stay here, or you might become gay too." 

"You can't make someone gay."

"You want to find out?" Matt suggested, deadpan expression on his face.

Nancy's mouth nearly hit the floor as she quickly left out of the house.

Minutes later, when the initial shock had passed, Matt couldn't' help the confusion that invaded his mind. " _What_ in the actual _fuck_ was that," Matt stared out the open front door with wide eyes. "Why didn't I just start with that?"

"Holy shit." Kelly managed between the fits of laughter, unable to stop himself as he doubled over.

"Would you stop laughing?" Matt grinned, shaking his head.

Kelly shook his head as he wheezed through another roar of laughter.

Matt couldn't help but start laughing too, it was too contagious not to join in.

"Gosh, Kel." He huffed as the laughs died down. "I love you."

"I love you too, Matty." Kelly smiled.

"Perfect. Now please go to the store and get some new locks for the doors."

"Your wish is my command," Kelly smirked, "Shall I bring home supper while I'm at it?"

"Yeah." Matt smiled, "That'd be nice."

//

After supper, when the dishes were put away and the new locks were installed on the front and back doors, Matt and Kelly got into their lovely bed. They spoke for a while about Nancy, if she might come back and what she might do to them, knowing they were married.

Kelly woke Matt up by bringing him a tray of scrambled eggs, bacon, apple slices (no peel, just like Matt liked it), and a cup of coffee big enough to get a horse going.

"To what do I owe this feast?" Matt smiled sleepily, eyes only open halfway.

"I just love you." Kelly leaned forward to kiss Matt's forehead, "I love you a lot."

 


End file.
